I often think of polar bears during my pregnancies. The momma polar bear lost to a death like slumber while her young are born and hurriedly crawl to the warmth of belly fur and a warm teat. Does she even notice? Is there a moment when her sleep becomes less deep, if only on a subconscious level, that she may feel her tiny children leave her and the umbilicus sever? Does she sigh in her sleep as each latch on for the first time, content to do her part in the great cycle of life, death, and rebirth? Or does it all escape her, the squirming cubs suckling and crawling on her a springtime surprise, yet as unexpected as the warming temperatures that, bone-deep, she knew would be there when she woke?
Four weeks to go and I am, of course, at that point where I question if I’m ready, if I’ve done enough throughout this pregnancy to prepare myself, to make the labor less laborious, more pleasurable. There are no answers to these questions, and not enough time to do anything about it if I’m not yet ready, not prepared physically. But, I can at least work on my emotions, my mental state, and that is my preoccupation now for these last few weeks.
The Moon always affects me so much more strongly when pregnant. Emotions flow easier, more freely. I laugh more, I cry more, but in general I just feel more. I’ve a tendency toward apathy, shutting down my emotions, hiding them away to deal with at another time, a safer time, a more “appropriate” time, though it’s hidden with a smile. This is something more difficult to do now, and for that I am glad. I am glad to feel my happiness more fully and I do love that when I am genuinely embracing my joy it spreads to the people around me. Stress levels recede and smiles appear, along with unexpected and sometimes surprising laughs.
Although my emotions are flowing more easily now, and my awareness of connections and energy flow is also stronger, I find myself at a time when consciously directed energy flows less easily. But, this, too, is normal, something I’ve encountered with every pregnancy. I’m not supposed to be reaching out now, not supposed to be sending forth. There is internal work to do, focus that needs to be maintained, a little one for whose approach things must be made ready. I need to be made ready.
There are steps that I take at this time, every time, to get to that point of readiness. Energy work is a huge part, not sending forth, but manipulating my own internal flow and the way Universal energy flows into me. Previous births have shown that this is hugely beneficial, for me and baby, for so many reasons. I’ve also started with daily visualization of actually giving birth and remembering the births of each of my other children. This, not so much to encourage or induce, but, rather, as a form of mental preparation. There are other little things that take precedence now, too. Communion with my Gods and certain Spirits that I work with is also crucial, as is spending much time in meditation and ritual, and doing my spirit breaths. None of this is hard to engage in, it’s all a sort of natural consequence to the forces at work within me right now, as natural and unavoidable as the introspection that comes with the Dark Moon (though, granted, remembering to do the spirit breaths more does require some effort...)
Deep breaths and gentle thoughts. Move with the energy that moves through you.
Throwing the Bones